Yo, Linder

Going Westside, Yo.

2005-07-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

Wednesday morning I'll be headed your way, taking John's sister to the airport. As I will have my four and her two kids in tow, it is certain to be a crazy time.

Please call in sick and go to the Zoo with us. (Or maybe the aquarium, I imagine it will be whichever I can find the easiest.)

Please, please call in sick.

That is all.

Them Canucks, they's sensible

2005-07-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

Rock out with your cock out!

I'm seriously considering emigrating and I'm not even a Nancy Boy.

I just wish Canada would invade our sorry asses already so we could be a progressive grown up country, too. (They could just invade the North. Cut it off at the Mason-Dixon Line, and take Nevada and California, too. Then the US of A could go Ahead and become the US of JC and we could live in peace.)

Taxes, Smaxes. I pay $8400 a year just for health insurance. And that is with a 750 deductible.

Not much to say...

2005-07-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

But that never shut me up before.

John went to Portland today to buy some Gondola displays for the new store.
Sounds romantic, don't it? Like the streets of Venice.

But Crashing back to retail, it's really This:

Hot, no?

So my point, if I indeed have one, is that I've been here since 9AM with first two, then four, children. And they are not in bed yet.

Soon, I pray. Soon.

So tomorrow I am painting the mildew in the bathroom. I plan on buying the most heavy duty Kilz ever made and going for it. If you don't hear from me for a few days please assume I am either:

A) High from the fumes
B) In a coma
C) On my way to Ecuador, to Join the Resistance

Nice to see pic of the Giz, nice to see a note from Paintingchef. She's a hoot. Do you feel as though you've been touched by celebrity?

Also, check out suburbanbliss. I can't remember if I linked her before but DAMN. Funny, funny shit.

I guess I'll put the children out now.

BOOM BOOM BOOM

Nicole

UPDATE:

On proofreading, I noticed the last two lines appear as though I am shooting my children. While there was a point in my life when that would have seemed HILARIOUS, those days are over. I was trying to reference that really stupid Luke Skywalker song. I was not shooting my children. Although far be it from me to judge anybody, you know, if that's their thing.

Wierd Science

2005-07-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

She Blinded me with SCIENCE

A whole lot of nothin'

2005-07-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

It was great to see you guys this weekend. FYI I am smoking a cigar, because we are out of cigarettes and I am to lazy to go buy any. The cigars is nasty, but cheap. $5.50 a carton vs. $5.50 a pack. But yucky. I can feel the cancer growing as we speak.

How's the biscuit adjusting? I love her. I want her for my very own. You must be working from home today, correct?

Well I am absolutely bored out of my mind. You should totally meet me and the babies somewhere halfway. I'll make a picnic. Wouldn't that be nice?

Not likely to happen though. The Gas, she is expensive, no?

Well. I have started another blog. Because I am so bored, I will be dedicating it to my never-ending quest for a tidy house. I call it the Accidental Housekeeper, and if you are so inclined to look at it, be warned: Not so much of the funny. Mostly of the boring. And the cleaning. I have also changed my moniker to Accidental Housekeeper. Because I'm fickle like that, yo.

Well, I am off to begin my day, such as it his. Enjoy your stories as you work from home!! I want to see a biscuit post soon.

Juke Box Hero,

Nicole

Infidelity

2005-07-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know how it happened. I was responding to a comment left at blurbomat and I don't have another blog, and there was a space to put your URL there and I , I just panicked. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the full moon. It didn't mean anything, honest.

I left the URL for yo! linder, (THE BLOG I MADE SPECIALLY FOR YOU) at blurbomat.

It has nothing to do with the fact that he's this hot.

Really.

If you're reading this , DJ Blurb, it was a one time thing. Quit calling me. I am a married woman with a gay boyfriend on the side and my life is just TOO DAMN COMPLICATED RIGHT NOW.

Talk about perverse...

2005-07-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

But I still have a overwhelming itch to buy it for you.

Same as it ever was,
Nicole

A new blog addiction...

2005-07-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

This one's short and sweet. Not many posts in the last year, but really intelligent.

They will Know us By our T-shirts.

Start in the archives so as to have time to warm up to the religion. I love that this guy is a seminary student... we need more like him.

The way on down..... and good urination choices.

2005-07-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

So the first leg of our journey took us to Klamath Falls at 10PM. There was only one hotel room left in town, which was so disgusting I couldn't sleep for fear of bedbugs. Seriously. But I showed those mofos...I accidentally stole the hotel room key. HAHA! It is now my favorite souvenir. The key said "60" on it so Mason read it as GO! And go we did, without showers or anything because the tub was filthy. The toilet seat had BURNS on it. I wondered aloud what kind of dreg would set his smoke on the toilet seat, and John told me it was probably somebody cooking up some crank. SWEET.

We took off and had a hearty breakfast of Hostess Berry Pies in the truck. We were alternately listening to A book on CD and System of A Down, with the occasional local rock station thrown in. I had a raging headache before Reno, where we stopped at the IN-N-OUT for a delicious meal of burgers and fries.

Not nearly soon enough we got past Reno and to Washoe Valley, which is where DeLane lives as well as the Captain and Tenille. (Swear to god. Never saw them, although they were the Grand marshals of the July 4th parade in Virginia City. I was too lazy to hike up from our picnic spot, and therefore missed out.)
That night, my sister in law Carrie and her family came to Delane's house for dinner. You might remember Carrie from my wedding. She's the one who sang the 5 hour version of American Pie, and then went out with us to Hoops where she told my brother she would get her own ride home. At the age of nineteen, in a strange town.

You might chalk that up to her age, but evidently this is a pattern with her. Over dinner she told us the story of staying in Reno with her husband for her company Christmas party. Evidently they got into a bit of a tiff and she walked out of the hotel the party was at, intending to go back to their hotel. At 2AM.

She got lost, and some long hair guy pulled up beside her and offered her a ride. Since she had to pee really really bad, she accepted the ride and called her Mom from the car telling her all about the nice man who picked her up on the strip. Then she got mad at her mom and hung up on her, leaving her to worry all night. Fortunately the man she was with was not a serial rapist (as if she'd remember, she was so drunk) and he dropped her off at her hotel. Upon arriving at her door she realized she forgot her key. And she still really has to pee badly. So she looked at her options, and using her infinite good sense decided it would be bad to pee on the carpet. So she went to the area where the pop and ice machined were, because it was on tile. We looked at her in horror until she said "Oh, come on you guys, there was a drain!" Only after she relieved herself did it occur to her to go to the front desk to ask for her key.

That night, our first evening in town, she got so drunk she had to crash at her mom's, and I had to get up with her babies all night as she was too passed out to hear. This would become a pattern on our trip. Fortunately we weren't the only sober ones there so I did manage to get some sleep.

We went to FolkLife today. LAME. Although I did get to park at Jen's house so I got to see her new tits. Total porn star knockers. Very nice. Makes me wish I was batting for a different team.

I better go clean something so I can stomp around in righteous indignation later.

We're the bloodhound gang,

Nicole

You ain't gonna believe this shit...

2005-07-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

As John was going not only to see his Mom but also his stepdad Rick who raised him, he packed his 45 caliber hand-cannon, which normally lives on the top shelf in the garage. (Attention Burglars: It's gone now.) It seems that what passes for entertainment in Dayton (AKA the Wiley City of Nevada) involves jackrabbits and high-caliber handguns. Who Knew?

Actually, after expressing my distaste at taking pleasure in killing bunnies, they drove us out into the desert and set up some pop cans to shoot at. I missed em all. I thought I would enjoy the 45, but thought it too heavy and unwieldy, so Kevin (AKA boomhauer) gave me his Glock to shoot. Again I missed. The best part was the terror in their eyes when I forgot I was holding and actual real live firearm without a safety latch and swung around to ask John a question halfway through my clip. Hardy har. They almost peed their pants.

The gun trip was cut a bit short however when Rick stepped behind a rock to pee and came upon a baby rattlesnake. Being older and wiser, he did the practical thing , and picked it up to show the kids. Then the frightened children were loaded into the truck bed for safety. Seeing as we had three guns between us, Rick again did the most practical thing and ripped the snake's head off with his bare hands.Of course, being raised by Rick, my sweet darling man threw the decapitated snake into the back of our truck so he could skin it and mount it for Eli.

Whilst the women-folk prepared the evening repast back at the ranch, the boys then proceeded to dissect the snake and found a whole, partially digested lizard inside. I thought he looked a little preggo, but fortunately I was too polite to say anything. So now, in my home, resides an eight inch rattlesnake skin mounted to a board with construction staples.

Stay tuned, so many more stories to come.

Return of the nomad

2005-07-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, we just got in. Too late to go into detail about the trip. I'll tease you with some highlights.

1. On the way down in the car, Mason sang along to "what I got you gotta get it put it in you"
2. There was gunplay. I participated.
3. Virginia City rocked last night for fireworks.
4. My mother in law needs to be worshipped. Really. I saw the inside of the casinos way more than I saw my kids.
5. I have something like 10 neices and nephews and they are all really cute.

I'm starting to get really freaked out by this.

2005-06-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

Or maybe she just grew up watching TV like us.
Or maybe she ate too much Krab.

Two hundred and forty dollas worth of puddin'.

12 hours...

2005-06-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

Until we're loaded up and mooovin out.

I will try to post from NV, if they even have electricity there (kidding) because I am sure with this being a Matthews Family Reunion and all there will be plenty to talk about. I'm hoping "Uncle" Jimmy (He's the punk who stole my jeep...let's just call him PUNKLE) is out of jail so I can see John get into a fistfight and be all manly. ROWR. Yeah, Punkle's going down

Seriously.. I can't wait to see my Mom-in-Law (wait...did I just say that?) cause I lurve her and she babysits, plus Brian Matthews will be flying down next friday with his lurvely Bride Anne (who, if I was a lesbian, I would totally date. You know, if she was a lesbian too. Not that she is, I'm just sayin'...) She's just like me in that curvy, dark-haired, got knocked up before she was married kind of way.

I have my starbuck's card loaded and ready, and a man who is not only willing to drive but willing to not drive straight through 13 hours this time, for the love of god, because he is afraid of me. He also made a special point to say he would pick up my prescription tomorrow, first thing, because I am almost out of pills and ...did I mention he is afraid of me?

BTW, did you know Starbucks make coffee liqueuruer (can't spell).

Well, wish me luck. Looks like the first leg o' the trip promises to be at least 8 hours and alcohol free..

Vogue,

Nicole

It's Damn Spooky, Is What It Is

2005-06-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

"I don’t regret how any of this went, really. I regret very few things, mostly because I’ve seen Back to the Future enough times to know that, had things gone differently, I wouldn’t be the person I am now, and I’m not adventurous enough to take on a different present me."-Sarah Brown, Que Sera Sera, Nov 14, 2004

Your new business card could say:

2005-06-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

J. Linder
Dental Critic

You completely have the knack for a good dental office critique. You should totally freelance. I think your new job should be reviewing all of the dental hygenists in the Seattle-Metro area. They could put your column in The Stranger underneath Dan Savages column (Hey, Faggot!)

In other news, still plowing through Sarah Brown's Blog.

She is totally the missing third of our brain. I present as evidence:

"My birthday is in less than two weeks, and while I will be celebrating with a coed slumber party (more on that later), I won’t be celebrating 26. I decided that I wasn’t really satisfied with how I spent 25—there was a lot of squandering and laziness and some poor decisions—so I’m calling a do-over. Therefore, on June 10, I’ll turn 25 Part II: Electric Boogaloo."

-Sarah Brown, Queserasera.org, May 28, 2003.

That, or we're not as original and funny as we thought.

Pumpupthejam,

Nicole

Priceless

2005-06-23T14:06:00.000-07:00

"Feeling like Marty McFly trying to go Back to the Future..."

I Lurve You.

That one made me laugh so hard I think I peed a little.

2005-06-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

Well said.
Last night I was reading Que Sera Sera,(because I am already up to date on dooce), and John asked me if I wanted to get a new book for our trip. I started to give my pat answer (as opposed to my "Pat" look) "i don't have time to read anymore" but it hit me that it was 1AM and I had been reading blogs for three hours. Uhhh...I guess I do have time, I just spend it in front of the computer. What a sad sack of shit I've become.

Check this out as well:

suburbanbliss.net

I find it odd that there are all these hilarious and cool women on the internet yet I've never met one in real life. Maybe all women are this hilarious and cool, but are afraid to be that way in public? I don't know...of course I live in yakima, too.

Apropos of nothing, remember STEVE from blues clues?

You know, Ellie has a mad crush on him. Figures.

Que Sera Sera....check it out.

2005-06-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

I just found this cute blog. She's pretty clever, but the best part is the comments in the archives.
Go to Feb 27, 2002 and read the comments. Jesus. And I thought I was the only one with a rich fantasy life.

"In my spare time, I would entertain the crew by lip synching in Ten Forward"
nicole

PS....just read this one.

damn, gina

She rocks....

2005-06-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

Did ya read dooce today?

"I get to sit around and watch colored, uncircumcised penises dance around a stage that looks like a scene from someone’s acid trip and YOU THINK I HATE MOTHERHOOD?"

I couldn't have said it better.

On shopping, packing, laundry

2005-06-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

Frantic. Probably ten loads of laundry to be washed, dried, folded and put away/packed. Two crazy kids home with me today, including Maddie. She needs to nap, I may slip her some of that hooch.

Went out to dinner last night with my girls, a good time was had by all even though everyone was tired. We ranted about Old Navy, caught up, made fun of my fake tan. GOod times.

I think we are now leaving friday afternoon, and stopping somewhere in oregon for the night. But I married a Matthews, so plans are going to change at any given point. I am getting used to this, really I am. Uh-huh.

I just bought this duvet. Retail = 250 bucks. Ebay...$76 OH YEAH BABY.

I am a moron, and of course it will come while I'm gone. I hope one of my neighbors picks it up. Or would you like to house-sit for a week?? HMMM???

I really need to get busy. Feel free to come help me at any point.

LURVE,
nicole

An update....

2005-06-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

I came in first in the poker tournament. Fifty bucks, baybay. I'm so money and I don't even know it.

We are leaving on vacation friday. or saturday. or sunday. It all depends on JOhn's half-brother's wedding, whether there will be shit dealt out for skipping it, and ultimately whether or not I want to drive all night saturday if we go to said wedding. FUN!!!

I bought new clothes today. Have you ever seen that commercial where the mom is trying on clothes and the kid says "I HAVE TO GO POTTY RIGHT NOW" and the mom takes her to the potty in the dress she's trying on?

Yeah that happened to me today except I was ALMOST NAKED when he said that, so instead of wearing a hot black dress with tags on I hastily threw on my clothes, and manuvered the cart with sleeping baby in it out of the dressing room, and clear across target befor noticing my shirt was on inside out and backwards. Oh, yeah, and my fly was down too. Not a good look, Muriel.

The magical floating fourth floor....

2005-06-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

Please tell me you meant to say there is nobody above the fourth floor......

Aaanyywaaaaay,

Glad the phobic landlady didn't call... You don't need the drama... Although you live in SEATTLE for Chrissake. Welcome to the nineties, Mr Banks.

Low key day, didn't even shower. Did dinner last night with all the kids. Good time, bad food.

I currently in second place in a poker tournament. I rock.

I hope you get the other apartment. Sounds nice, with cathedral ceilings we could go to ikea and buy more mirrors.

Now I'm in first place. I rock out with my sock out.

I should take out that disturbing link I showed you, since you link to me now. I would hate for your mom or sister to stumble across that. But if your dad did I would have kittens from laughing so hard.

Speaking of links, I've put none in this post so here are a couple of my faves:

dooce...
THere is a lot of kid-related stuff in here but is all so hilariously freaking funny. If you get a less than laugh so hard you cry funny post, just go through the damn archives.

dear buster
Advice column, again tres funny.

So I just dropped to second place again.

Oh, the drama. I should pay attention so I'll tell you how I end up tomorrow.

Don't cry for me argentina,

nicole

Beware....

2005-06-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

You know, how sometimes you see a new product on TV, and even though the commercial is so stupid you want to puke and you say to yourself "Sounds like Boone's to me" you still manage to convince yourself that technology has come a long way, and there is no way some large company is going to invest millions of dollars into a stupid ad campaign if it's going to be as bad as you think, plus you're at the grocery store buying milk with your WIC checks and you know if you spend more than five dollars on wine the clerk is going to roll his eyes and be rude, so you see the display of Arbor Mist Blackberry Merlot and actually convince yourself it can't be that bad, and dammit you really want a glass of wine and DAMN THE SAFEWAY CLERK TO HELL but you really really need a glass of wine today; so you go through the checkout with your WIC milk and your $3.49 bottle of Arbor Mist Blackberry Merlot and that son of a bitch still rolls his eyes and you just know he's going to go home and bitch about alcoholic welfare mothers to his wife, and when you finally get home you need that wine sooo much more but it isn't as bad as Boone's, in fact it is much, much worse and you have no alternative (other than drinking the hooch SIG made my brother and John for Christmas) so you put it in the smoothie blender with a pound of ice and a cup of sugar and it's still really really bad.

I hate when that happens.

Shout Out....

2005-06-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

To the Chuckster. I'm really not ignoring you, I am just really wrapped up in my own little world. Good luck on your new hizz-ouse.

If you would like to be disturbed go.... (link removed for the sake of all that is good and holy)

Peace out.

If it's brown....

2005-06-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Yo, Linder

So Happy to see you stopped by!!! How exciting about your class and the film. I will definitely be coming for the screening.

I finished up my quarter a couple weeks ago. Good grades, too. I am 3.88 for the quarter (13 creds) and when you average it with my ass-suck grades from 13 years ago my GPA is 2.5.

I think I'm going to get an academic renewal. It will help me get into Radiology, but then I lose all those many humanities credits I actually passed. Decisions, decisions.

Jesus gay, these kids are driving me nuts.

In other news, John is moving his store to the Valley Mall Plaza. Which is good, except for the fact that I mortgaged my house and signed a personal guarantee on the lease. (Which is hilarious if you think about it, we know what my personal guarantee is worth.) Ah, well. None of it will matter when the world runs out of oil and we are all reverting back to medieval times. (Which is a restaurant I'd like to go to when we go to Reno next week, but I digress.) Actually I am hoping to pick up some hints. My survival garden is struggling, I am trying to train it to go without water for long stretches (OK, maybe not intentionally....but you know how lazy I am) but the zucchini seems to be the only thing that won't die. We may decide to get a few pets.

We are going to Carson city next Friday to see John's family. Good Times. We will be there through the fourth, and I have every intention of dropping John and the kids off in the desert and gettin' my party on in RENO. It's not that bad, really, he was raised as a nomad in the desert. He knows the importance of conserving water and I have no doubt he will quickly be able to teach the children the important rules of survival. (If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down.)

Well, I have four wild monkeys in my house and need to shower. Next time I will tell you about the kid who came over last week and said "We never had bugs in our house" and "My mom never lets our house get dirty."

(parenthetically,)

(nicole)

Yo, Linder

2005-06-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

I am tired of searching through my cluttered email for your address. When I see some crazy shit, I want to tell you about it, but there are TOO MANY STEPS INVOLVED in getting ahold of you. Sure, I could call, but uninterupted telly time happens between 12AM and 6AM here and I doubt you would appreciate that.

So here is your blog. It's just for you. You may share it with whomever you like. I am writing everything to you. (Althought there may be a good portion of bitching about my life I probably wouldn't bore you with over the phone or in an email......Let's pretend you live here and we see eachother all the time...OK?)

First thing I wanted to tell you:

New Ben & Jerry's Flavor

new to me, at least. Remember I live in Yakima.

Love, nicole

Yo, Linder

Going Westside, Yo.

Them Canucks, they's sensible

Not much to say...

Wierd Science

A whole lot of nothin'

Infidelity

Talk about perverse...

A new blog addiction...

The way on down..... and good urination choices.

You ain't gonna believe this shit...

Return of the nomad

I'm starting to get really freaked out by this.

12 hours...

It's Damn Spooky, Is What It Is

Your new business card could say:

Priceless

That one made me laugh so hard I think I peed a little.

Que Sera Sera....check it out.

She rocks....

On shopping, packing, laundry

An update....

The magical floating fourth floor....

Beware....

Shout Out....

Top Ten Reasons I Am Posting Twice In One Day

If it's brown....

Yo, Linder